(Since I’m writing this for a blog, Mama says I don’t have to use good English like I did when I wrote my book.)
Two weeks ago Saturday, Mama tooks me to see duh vampires, also known as duh vet. One of my eyes wasn’t seeing too good and I kept squinting, like I was winking at someone. Dat sure won’t happen around here as dere is no one to wink at – especially not Jiffy, duh the fhief. (She likes to steal Busy Bones and Rawhide Chews from me and den hide dem so I can’t find dem.)
Anyway, since we had to say good-bye to Moonbeam a while ago so dat Megan could drive it to school and work, we is now being forced to gets into duh ugly Hank the Tank. He is big and brown and just plain ugly. I knows duh minute Mama attaches duh leash to me, and Jiffy duh fhief didn’t get one, only me was off to see duh vampire. Every time I goes dere dey always find a reason to take some of my blood. I looks at dem and dinks, dey should have enough of deir own dat dey don’t need none of mine.
I decided I was not getting into ugly Hank the Tank. Of course I lost, Mama opens duh back seat, puts my feet up on duh floor and pushes. And my dumb back feet and butt followed my front feet, right into duh car. Just can’t trust no one any more, not even myself. We got to duh vampires and Mama made me go in duh door. I slowly walked over to where dey weigh me an put on two feet. Can’t figure out why they needed more, but Mama pulled duh rest of me up on duh scale to see what I weighed. Who cares what I weigh anyway? I finks they should weighs me after dey takes out duh blood, but what do I know.
Dey put us in duh big dog room – that’s what I is – a big dog. Art comes in – he is one of duh junior vampires – he helps duh head vampire. He talked to Mama a minute and den took to me to duh back room where dey has duh torture chamber. He puts me up on duh table, since they are too lazy to get down on duh floor wiff me, so dat duh curly haired vampire could look at my eye. I stood dere and looked back at her. She put some stuff in my eye so I couldn’t feel nothing. Den she put drops in my eye and went to talk to Mama. She told Mama dat I had to have 2 different drops put in my eye tree times a day. Duh curly headed vampire brought me back into duh big dog room and told Mama what she was going to have to do. I thought to myself – I can fix dat. She aint going to put no drops in my eye. Even dough it hurts. Mama let out a deep sigh and said “whatever”. We paid duh winch at duh front desk and headed home. (Hey, dey didn’t take no blood dis time!)
When we got home, Mama told Daddy Harve what duh vampire said and he just looked at both of us. Dis was going to be a piece of cake for me, but a challenge for Mama. Duh first time she tried, I growled and snapped. I had her whole hand in my mouth. I didn’t hurt it much. But, I didn’t get dat junky drops in my eye either. Dis went on a few days. Mama found some old winter gloves which she put on to protect her hands from my mouth. I didn’t really want to hurts Mama, but I didn’t want dose drops in my eye efer. We tried to work dis out for a week without much success. She tried to put a muzzle on me and I just took it out of her hands with my mouth and frew it across duh room. Good shot, even if I say so myself. Mama sent an email to duh vampire about duh problems she was having, but no one seemed to care dat she was in duh controls of a mean lion greyhound.
We went back on Saturday. Mama pulled Hank out of duh garage, put on my leash and walked me out to duh car. She opened duh door and I got in just like a well behaved greyhound should. She drove to dhuh vampire’s. She opened dhuh side door, but I wanted to goes out dhuh back hatch. (Jiffy showed me how to do dhat dhuh last time we rided wiff Mama when she rand an errand and we gots to go.) She opened duh hatch door expecting me to just jump down and go in to duh Vampires. Well, I foolded her. When my feet hit duh ground I was off and running, draggin my leash behind me. I went across duh street, looking back to be sure she was followin me. When I got to duh corner, I wasn’t quite sure what I should do so I went up duh sidewalk to duh church drive dat is across from duh vampires. I turned into duh driveway and headed up away from duh cars dat were on Eldorado. (For those of you who don’t live in McKinney, Eldorado is a major four lane divided road in McKinney. It has lots of traffic all the time.) Den from out of nowhere comes dis young man who was trying to help Mama and catch me. People came out of duh school part of duh church and dey tried to get me to go to dem. I turned and ran across duh street (Eldorado)dragging my leash. Mama was running like a crazy woman, yelling at me and waving at duh cars to get dem to stop. All duh cars stopped so dey wouldn’t hurt me. I made it to the grassy part between duh two streets. Duh young man had gotten to duh grassy part just as Mama did. I looked at duh street in front of me and wasn’t sure I would be too smart to try and cross dat street also. Delimas. What should I do? I started towards duh young man, but when I got close enough I found I didn’t know him. I turned around and guess what – dere was my Mama calling me. Boy, have I screwed up royally. I runs to Mama and she grabs my leash. Cars start going again down duh road. One nice lady stopped to be sure everyting was OK and Mama smiled and said “Yes. Thank you”. She and duh young man waited for the cars to clear, not like me who just walked right out in front assuming dey would stop for such a gorgeous, huge dog. They got on duh sidewalk and Mama tanked him over and over again. He ran for his car, turned out of duh parking lot and headed to where he was going. I guess you would say he was my guardian angel who came out of nowhere to help catch me. We headed back towards Hank. I stopped to get in, tinking I had won, but Mama said “oh, no! You still have to go see the vet.” And, we walked in duh door – both of us panting and huffing and looking like we would collapse. Christie, the vampire’s office manager immediately got Mama some water and one of the little vampires brought a bowl of water for me. Dey made me weigh again, but I was too tired to protest and did as I should. We went into another one of duh rooms where I laid down by duh counter and panted. Mama tried to get me to drink some water, but all I could do was pant. So she took some in her hands and sprinkled it on my nose and on my tongue.
Well, my idea of the greyt escape had come to an end. A good end. Duh curly headed vampire came in, looked at my eye, listened to Mama’s story and said “I think we should keep her for a couple of days to get this eye under control.” Wait just a minute – after all I’ve been frough and you fink I should stay here – with duh vampires? I didn’t run all dat way to be told I had to stay. Dere is someting wrong wif dis picture.
Mama agreed and one of the baby vampires came and got me to take me back to duh prison.